Recently I said I was hurting because of losing someone. The problem is that this is hurting more than I thought it would’ve. I got a message from said person saying that I was still needed not too long after I published that post and me being me, I forgave them and pretended it never happened. But the truth is that I don’t forgive them. In my opinion they could’ve handled things better and I’m beating myself up over the fact I still proceeded to “forgive” them despite what they did.
They pretty much broke every promise they made to me and I’m not mad at them for not going through with them because circumstances change. I’m more mad at myself for letting myself take a lot of what they said at face value and didn’t analyse it too much. It was because I loved them and trusted them the most I’ve trusted anyone in years. But all that doesn’t matter because I’m more or less not needed by them anymore.
The thing is that it’s gotten to a stage where I expect to be let down by people at some point and that’s why I’ve more or less stopped opening up emotionally to people. I never tell people the full story as to what’s actually wrong. I just tell them that it’s bad and don’t entertain further questions. I’ve reverted back to my old habits of dodging any topics I don’t like. I haven’t been like this in roughly 9 months and it’s concerning because it feels like I’m regressing. I was initially surprised as to how quickly I got over this loss but I saw something to do with that person earlier and my day got flipped upside down and everything came flooding back.
I don’t really know what I want anymore or who to talk to or who to associate with. I want to just run from the problem and take a break from all things online but at the same time I know that the problem will still be there. I need to confront it somehow but it’s just a matter of what the correct solution is.