Last night I lost sombody for what most likely will be forever. Spare me of your idealism saying that it’ll be okay and they’ll come back because even if they do I’d have learned to live without them whether i like it or not. I’d have gotten used to them not being around and I’d have gotten into a routine of them not being there and there would no longer be a need for them due to moving on.
Not gonna lie, at the time i was distraught. I burst straight into tears. I’m writing this post only having slept three hours over long delayed periods in between crying and physically shaking while i felt like my heart was physically breaking. I sent a few messages to people i trust in order to get the negative energy out but it wasn’t enough. I was questioning what was wrong with me. Why does this happen to me? Why does everyone leave my life?
Now today I feel empty. I feel as if a large portion of my heart has been ripped out of my body and left me a mere shadow of the person I used to be. I knew I loved them but now i realised that they were everything to me and I’d quite literally put my heart into their hands and they shredded it. There have been situations where old me would’ve made a joke or laughed uncontrollably in the high pitched cackle that i haven’t heard in a long time but instead I can’t bring myself to smile because I’m in mourning. I feel as if someone has died; I feel nauseous, i feel empty and I feel weird that they’re out of my life. They were a large fixture in it for a very long time and I did love them more than I’ve ever loved anyone. However it’s too late and they’re gone.
Sure, I’m hurting. Sure, I’m less happy than I was and i will remain less happy. I’m trying to do what I do normally and convert sadness into grudges and anger to feed my passive aggressive, petty way of dealing with loss. However, this is different. I feel positive.
Hold on there, hear me out. I’m hurting from losing them but at the same time I’m excited because this can open up new and better relationships as well as improvement for current ones. I thought that this relationship was meant to last for a long time. I fantasized about moving in with said friend and spending every day by their side. I thought they were absolutely perfect for me. So if that wasn’t perfection, then i cannot wait to see the better times. There have been a few new people in my life recently and maybe this relationship needed to go in order to facilitate these next few.
I’m not beating myself up about it day after day. Sure, I admit I fucking miss them in my life. But after a lot of failed relationships, I’ve understood people have a welcome period in your life, a time period in which they’re going to be in your life that only God knows. Some people have to leave my life because it’s God’s will that they can’t come with me to this next phase of my life and that’s okay. People will always leave my life and I cannot control it. I’m done putting my happiness in the hands of others and instead of seeking a new person to give me validation, it’s time to seek God and ask him for help. Humans will come and go but God will be my constant. He will guide me and teach me to put my worth in my own hands or keep it in his for as long as it is necessary. Sure, I need people in my life but I shouldn’t give them the keys to my happiness.
It’s their loss now that they cut me out. I can’t blame myself for their actions. My life isn’t over because of a person leaving. It’s a sign of greater things.