500 and I feel nothing

Hello everyone and welcome to this post where i acknowledge the fact that we hit 500 followers and pretend to be all sunshine and rainbows. But i am thankful for everyone that’s followed my blog or read a post of mine and identified with it. However my mental health is shit as usual because I’m an unstable piece of shit #yay #tragic.

Anyways so I actually got 500 a couple days ago and at the time i was on a group chat i think and i didn’t want to just change the subject saying i hit 500 everyone validate me and so i left it alone for the moment and forgot about it. 

I am currently what they call a sad person and that’s okay because i know and acknowledge the fact that people will talk to me should i need them but when I’m sad, I’m the type of person to try their best to make it worse and i adopt self destructive habits by not wanting to talk despite knowing that’d be the best way forward. I’m really sad because I’ve made some bad decisions recently and just as i was moving in the right direction i went straight back to the thing that caused me to be sad. I am going through a phase wherein I feel horrible about everything about me. Whether it’s my general physical features or whether it’d be the type of person i am. I am stuck in a rut if that’s the right phrase and i don’t know how to get out of it.

I watched Dodie’s video where she talked and ate edamame beans the entire time if that’s an accurate enough description and in the video she basically was saying how depressed she was feeling at that time and it summed me up heavily​, so if you want a better description of said rut then go find that video i would leave the link but i cannot be fucked. Watch it with a pinch of salt because obviously despite my wishes to be someone else sometimes, I’m not her and we’re both experiencing different circumstances such as me not going on tour and shit as I’m terrible at everything. Just had to get a cheap shot at myself there. Woohoo I’m so evil.

Oh yeah. It’s my birthday soon. Extra points to your respective Hogwarts house if you know when. Please know when it is so you can wish me happy birthday and be nice to me because i need external validation to survive as I’m a codependent little crap bucket. But yeah I’m a little excited and stressed at the same time about my birthday because on one hand it’s closer to the time where i can move out and tell my family to fuck off but on the other hand more age means more responsibility which means more of the crippling thoughts of the fact I’ve wasted my teenage years doing absolutely nothing while I stay in my place as the world idiot. Honestly they said life was gonna become lit and I’ve noticed no signs of that happening since life is still a bitch. Life is still an invaluable little shitstorm of events in which i always fuck up and it just remains shit no matter what i do. I’m telling you I’m gonna fucking delete my blog if this continues because this was meant to be an outlet for my feelings while i continually lied to everyone around me and i felt better when i posted on it. 

School, fucking school, home of all bullshit and negativity. For those of you requiring context, I was made to stay at the school I’m in for sixth form instead of moving elsewhere. This is the same school in which I’ve experienced bullying in terms of all the phobias and ists of our time from both teachers and the guys in my classes. The same school that didn’t even offer the A level options that i wanted to do and yet I’m still made to stay there. I don’t really wish to talk about it much more but just know it’s shit. 

I’m considering asking my parents if i can repeat year 12 at another school because it’s frankly shit or maybe doing a hairdressing course at a college since i am borderline obsessed with hair. Bahahahahahaha that’s the funniest joke ever since all my parents believed in was academics and the only conversation topic they’ve ever discussed with me always links back to how school is going. Just because all they see me as is a child who’s gonna make their parents proud with all the good grades so that they can brag to other relatives about me. I mean, I’m a fucking human not a fucking circus animal that you can brag about all the things it does so well. I’m probably gonna suffer for another year and a half and get shitty results and become homeless and then they’ll realise what they did wrong. Seriously though, I’m gonna try and survive it because i know the likelihood of my parents ever listening to my input is very low because apparently “I’m too young to make decisions and my mind isn’t developed enough to know what i want”-my parents every time i say how much I hate school.

But yeah again thank you for 500. I genuinely didn’t think I’d get this far along and be known by so many people. I don’t mean to like write the generic thank you post but this is a bittersweet milestone because I’m halfway to 1000 which is close the amount of guys at my school from year 7-13. Having half of that makes me think of half of the people in school staring at me which is madness. Anyway tell me if you have any ideas for anything i should do to celebrate 500 otherwise I’ll post eventually. 

By Sav. 


5 thoughts on “500 and I feel nothing

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