Not gonna lie, I forgot I had a blog for a few days. I remember I was feeling good on a rare occasion and I wanted to tell someone about it. I asked myself “I wish I had an outlet to express my innermost feelings to…”
OH CRAP, MY BLOG.
Anyways, I’m gonna exercise this ability to express my feelings and say I have no energy, no fight, no time for anything nor anyone. The school term has done a real number on me especially this one being one where I haven’t talked to anyone properly. The only words I say that are actually listened to is answering yes to when my name is called out in the register.
Now you’re probably thinking I’m pathetic for not talking “how hard could it be?” Just open your fucking mouth Sav and let words come out!! Well it’s not that simple. I am strongly disliked and undermined by a group of people I sit with to avoid teachers worrying about my mental health. They look and talk to me as if I’m stupid, as if I’m an alien. But those people are none of my business because they’re not worth my time. I’ve began to stop being in that area but that’s resulted in me not talking to anyone and sitting alone with nobody to talk to.
Now I’m not being a little bitch and looking for your pity, for you to be like awwwww poor Sav and leave comments saying you’re there for me. I already know that.
To be honest I’ve kinda been just fronting and pretending it’s all good whereas it’s not and I kinda force myself into a good mood. Even that doesn’t always work. I’m like an easily overwhelmed wimp who likes to pick fights with people just for the sake of arguing. But I’ve lost it. I’ve quite simply lost it. It’s like I hold so many grudges that they all take an emotional toll on me and I spend most of my days bitching. I’m gonna be blunt and say I want to fade away and just fall into an indefinite sleep. To just not feel anymore and skip to the good part. But then there’s that hard work and blood sweat and tears bullshit. Which leads me onto my next point.
I don’t fucking work at all. I’m not allowed to get a job, I don’t even do schoolwork until the last second. I sit down to work and I automatically don’t want to do it. If school is giving me nothing but negative emotions then why should I try for it? I spend my study times staring at the blinds while a tiny voice in my head starts speaking up. “your friends don’t like you, you’re a bad friend, you don’t do anything for them, you are a general stupid, dumb person who everyone dislikes strongly and tolerates you and will adandon you”. Now I don’t believe a word of that but constantly having to crush that voice is exhausting and I can’t do it. I know some people like me and support me but having to constantly entertain those those takes energy that I don’t have. I just genuinely hate the way I inconvenience people by crying to them about my irrelevant problems. There’s that voice again telling me I’m pathetic.
I’m gonna end the post here because this voice is growing stronger and I don’t want to make any extreme statements that’ll concern you guys (despite some of them being the truth).
Happy valentine’s day guys, spend time with loved ones and I’ll spam your readers later.