Time to Explain 

Not gonna lie, I forgot I had a blog for a few days. I remember I was feeling good on a rare occasion and I wanted to tell someone about it. I asked myself “I wish I had an outlet to express my innermost feelings to…”

OH CRAP, MY BLOG. 

Anyways, I’m gonna exercise this ability to express my feelings and say I have no energy, no fight, no time for anything nor anyone. The school term has done a real number on me especially this one being one where I haven’t talked to anyone properly. The only words I say that are actually listened to is answering yes to when my name is called out in the register. 

Now you’re probably thinking I’m pathetic for not talking “how hard could it be?” Just open your fucking mouth Sav and let words come out!! Well it’s not that simple. I am strongly disliked and undermined by a group of people I sit with to avoid teachers worrying about my mental health. They look and talk to me as if I’m stupid, as if I’m an alien. But those people are none of my business because they’re not worth my time. I’ve began to stop being in that area but that’s resulted in me not talking to anyone and sitting alone with nobody to talk to.

 Now I’m not being a little bitch and looking for your pity, for you to be like awwwww poor Sav and leave comments saying you’re there for me. I already know that. 

To be honest I’ve kinda been just fronting and pretending it’s all good whereas it’s not and I kinda force myself into a good mood. Even that doesn’t always work. I’m like an easily overwhelmed wimp who likes to pick fights with people just for the sake of arguing. But I’ve lost it. I’ve quite simply lost it. It’s like I hold so many grudges that they all take an emotional toll on me and I spend most of my days bitching. I’m gonna be blunt and say I want to fade away and just fall into an indefinite sleep. To just not feel anymore and skip to the good part. But then there’s that hard work and blood sweat and tears bullshit. Which leads me onto my next point. 

I don’t fucking work at all. I’m not allowed to get a job, I don’t even do schoolwork until the last second. I sit down to work and I automatically don’t want to do it. If school is giving me nothing but negative emotions then why should I try for it? I spend my study times staring at the blinds while a tiny voice in my head starts speaking up. “your friends don’t like you, you’re a bad friend, you don’t do anything for them, you are a general stupid, dumb person who everyone dislikes strongly and tolerates you and will adandon you”. Now I don’t believe a word of that but constantly having to crush that voice is exhausting and I can’t do it. I know some people like me and support me but having to constantly entertain those those takes energy that I don’t have. I just genuinely hate the way I inconvenience people by crying to them about my irrelevant problems. There’s that voice again telling me I’m pathetic. 

I’m gonna end the post here because this voice is growing stronger and I don’t want to make any extreme statements that’ll concern you guys (despite some of them being the truth). 

Happy valentine’s day guys, spend time with loved ones and I’ll spam your readers later. 

By Sav 

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20 thoughts on “Time to Explain 

  1. You do not inconvenience people by telling them how you feel, and your problems are definitely not irrelevant, especially if it makes you feel shit. And ignore the voice telling you that you’re pathetic, because you most definitely aren’t. I said this yesterday, and I’ll say it again: if you ever need to talk to me, you can, don’t hesitate.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve just typed out such a long comment and it’s disappeared and AHHH. Ok so. I know you don’t want pity but *raises hand for high five* you’ve got this okay? You can do this. Pity won’t help so I’ve been thinking of practical things. Somewhere you mentioned arguing – perhaps there’s a better, healthier way to channel this argumentative streak. Arguing isn’t necessarily a negative thing. I say this because I chair debates at school (I run debating society). Arguing is encouraged there. Does your school have a debating society? And two, people will listen to you. The right people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My school does have a debating society but I am not on the team or part of it because it’s a popularity contest. Thanks so much for your comment since I’m tired of the “it’ll be okay and stay strong” comments. I appreciate them but I need genuine advice and not pity. Thanks so much I really appreciate it and you ❤❤

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      1. Anytime! Now when I comment on blogs I try to be more useful, ya get me? Because I’m past the pity stage. Practical support – mixed in with encouragement of course – is the way. That is a genuine crying shame that it’s a popularity contest and I mean that. At my school I am the only sixth former -well I think Idk people might be too busy maybe that’s why – who is interested in debate (I asked to run the club for the lower school). I wish there was some way you get involved. Like how. Surelt anyone and everyone should be able to participate.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No. Even if I do try and join they’ll try and find a way to get me out and yeah I appreciate your comment so much

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      3. Yeah I tried and they literally didn’t let me speak at all because apparently I’m not good enough. Then again there’s nothing that they have that’s better than me but the fact they don’t appreciate that shows that I should take my awesomeness elsewhere

        Like

      4. Not good enough? *sighs* it’s disappointing. Genuinely. I mean we’re sixth formers now.
        Hey that’s a better way of looking at it. You could start your own club (I mean idk how your school is maybe clubs are all teacher led). Or go to other clubs. Either way YES you’re awesomeness is valid and it’s a mystery that they can’t see it.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Most of the kids are just horrible, obnoxious people and I use lunchtimes to have a mental health break in order to destress

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