No More BS

I don’t like sharing…

There I said it and frankly I don’t care about whether you like that or not. Sure, this is a massive flaw of mine and I’m not afraid to share it. This post is gonna be relatively sad so if you’re here to howl in laughter then this isn’t the post for you. I almost scrapped this post before I realised that I’m the blogger that doesn’t have a filter and that I shouldn’t be scared of sharing. 

I hate sharing people. I want to have my friends all to myself and for nobody to come between us. I love them all so much and that won’t be changing anytime soon. Sure, they can have other friends but I just have to mean a lot to them and that is something I struggle with believing sometimes because no matter how much someone compliments me. I won’t trust them, maybe they’re lying, maybe they’re just saying it so I don’t storm off crying in my attention seeking manner. 

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll feel better after sharing this and seeing your kindness in the comments where you say you relate to me which refers back to my statement of being the blogger that says what everyone thinks.

Anyway so I love my friends a lot. Some more than others and some having their own spot in my heart. I like to give my friends rankings in terms of how much they mean to me and there are a lot of 9s but there is an exception that breaks the scale completely and as I said, have their own special place (#sabby). Now the so called “rankings” don’t determine how I treat my friends. They all get treated equally. However, some I just look at in a different way and it’s so difficult to explain. 

I get so anxious when I feel I’m having to share someone. What if they decide they like someone else better than they do me? What if they replace me? What if they never actually liked me? There are so many questions and I’ve simply tried to be strong for too long. I guess the fact that a certain ex of mine had simply thought they were better off with their own ex and left me over a text message still cuts deep whether I want to admit it or not. I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way because there is a hint of jealousy involved on occasion in terms of sharing people but I still am happy for them when they mention them, anyone that treats the people I care for (or love in certain cases) correctly is automatically someone that’s okay. However I feel the need to inspect my friends’ friends in terms of whether they’re good enough for them.  

It’s so frustrating because I’ve tried to be so happy this past week or so and it’s slowly been getting harder. I was close to writing a post basically saying yay I’m in a good mental place but I’m not. It’s not fatigue, it’s not hunger, it’s an underlying issue that’s hampered me for years. 

By Sav 

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28 thoughts on “No More BS

  1. Thank you so fucking much for sharing this because I literally needed to know that somebody felt the same as me right now. See, you are a blogger that says things that everyone is thinking – that’s why I read your blog, on top of you being one of my closest friends. Speaking of that: you mean a lot to me, and you know that, but I thought I’d tell you anyway and put it out there. You’ve always been there and you aren’t afraid to tell me what you think, and you give me loads and loads of advice (which I got better at taking) and I appreciate you, because you take time out of your day to help me. You’re so selfless And trust me here when I say that you mean a lot to many people and #Sabby is bloody amazing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Elm. It really means a lot especially due to the fact that this is a vulnerable topic for me. To be honest I’m glad you’re taking my advice more because frankly it’s some of the best out there. You do mean a lot to me. Please remember that

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I do the same exact thing, but with my 2 best friends, I always seem to feel “left out” with them and get annoyed because I’m the one who knew them both first. Then comes the moodiness where I ignore both of them and I always tell myself I won’t do it again. But I always do.

    And no matter what, at least you’ll know that you’re important around here, and we’re all a bit jealous of our friends too. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you can relate to an extent. However what I do is put on a brave face and don’t let it come between the relationship. And thank you, you are incredibly important to me as well as many people here πŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i’m actually the same with my closest friends. i mean yeah they can hang out with other people but when we’re together with others and they don’t talk to me much or they don’t pay attention to me i feel like they don’t care about me or something, but then later on it’ll be fine. i suppose my anxiety loves to twist it into ‘you’re a shitty friend and they don’t actually like you’ woohoo. anyways Sav you’re not alone, and thank you for saying what was really on your mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel the exact way as you in terms of the they don’t care about me and thank you for saying that because my blog never fails to assure me that I’m not alone

      Like

  4. I feel the exact same way, but as well as beating myself up about it and blaming myself, I start to feel angry at them. And sometimes it gets so extreme that when I text them and they don’t reply within an hour or it shows they’ve seen my message but they choose not to reply, I get so anxious and paranoid thinking I’ve done something wrong and they’re mad at me…even though in reality they’re not. I would talk about it, but my friends are so easily angered if that makes sense and it’ll probably turn into a full blown argument.
    Sorry I’m ramblingπŸ˜‚ Your post was very relatable for me, and I wish you luckπŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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