I don’t like sharing…
There I said it and frankly I don’t care about whether you like that or not. Sure, this is a massive flaw of mine and I’m not afraid to share it. This post is gonna be relatively sad so if you’re here to howl in laughter then this isn’t the post for you. I almost scrapped this post before I realised that I’m the blogger that doesn’t have a filter and that I shouldn’t be scared of sharing.
I hate sharing people. I want to have my friends all to myself and for nobody to come between us. I love them all so much and that won’t be changing anytime soon. Sure, they can have other friends but I just have to mean a lot to them and that is something I struggle with believing sometimes because no matter how much someone compliments me. I won’t trust them, maybe they’re lying, maybe they’re just saying it so I don’t storm off crying in my attention seeking manner.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll feel better after sharing this and seeing your kindness in the comments where you say you relate to me which refers back to my statement of being the blogger that says what everyone thinks.
Anyway so I love my friends a lot. Some more than others and some having their own spot in my heart. I like to give my friends rankings in terms of how much they mean to me and there are a lot of 9s but there is an exception that breaks the scale completely and as I said, have their own special place (#sabby). Now the so called “rankings” don’t determine how I treat my friends. They all get treated equally. However, some I just look at in a different way and it’s so difficult to explain.
I get so anxious when I feel I’m having to share someone. What if they decide they like someone else better than they do me? What if they replace me? What if they never actually liked me? There are so many questions and I’ve simply tried to be strong for too long. I guess the fact that a certain ex of mine had simply thought they were better off with their own ex and left me over a text message still cuts deep whether I want to admit it or not. I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way because there is a hint of jealousy involved on occasion in terms of sharing people but I still am happy for them when they mention them, anyone that treats the people I care for (or love in certain cases) correctly is automatically someone that’s okay. However I feel the need to inspect my friends’ friends in terms of whether they’re good enough for them.
It’s so frustrating because I’ve tried to be so happy this past week or so and it’s slowly been getting harder. I was close to writing a post basically saying yay I’m in a good mental place but I’m not. It’s not fatigue, it’s not hunger, it’s an underlying issue that’s hampered me for years.