Hello losers who read my shit and welcome to a new kind of post I’m trialling. So in this series I’ll be writing plot summaries of various movies but there’s a twist. I’ll be summarising it in an incredibly unfiltered manner and in the way that I see it. Today’s one as you can tell by the title is Frozen. Just saying there are spoilers so click off or forever hold your peace.
Warning. This is only entertainment.
So the story starts with two little girls called Anna and Elsa and Anna being the needy child she is makes Elsa wake up so they can build a snowman with Elsa’s amazing ice powers. So they build a snowman and fuck about with ice before Anna being the clumsy/needy child she is slips on snow and Elsa whose magic was well aimed hits Anna right across the face and then screaming happens.
Their parents come and take them to some trolls (who look more like rocks). The big wise troll with a reat air of self importance basically calls Elsa a magic noob and warns her that her powers will get stronger which makes her cry boo boo #rip. The annoying troll says that she has to be all hush hush about the powers so he wipes her memory of magic and Elsa goes and lives in her room for ages and gets no social interaction which is basically me. This leads to Anna asking her constantly if she wants to build a snowman to which Elsa tells her to fuck off. Their parents conveniently kick the bucket while on a cruise and Elsa tells Anna to fuck off once again and by this point she got the message after years.
Then it fastforwards to coronation day where Elsa is not an immature child anymore and this day starts with Anna running around like a Duracell bunny because she’s finally actually gonna see real people rather than those losers in the really creepy paintings. She got rather excited and met a prince with ugly sideburns called Hans and forces him to come to the ball. At the actual coronation bit Elsa manages to avoid showing her magic by using gloves and Anna and Elsa meet after years of not seeing each other and it’s really awkward and they have no fucking clue how to talk to each other. By this point Anna and Hans start singing and running around which ends in them agreeing to get married after just having met (I don’t think they’ve heard of taking it slow). Then they tell Elsa that they’re getting married and are in love to which Elsa basically says “no Anna you stupid child you can’t marry that idiot with ugly sideburns because you just met the twat like a couple hours ago at most”. Anna, being the needy, bratty child she is pisses off Elsa which results in Elsa going all Ice Ice baby all over the kingdom’s ass. Consequently, Elsa then fucks off to a mountain and goes to build her own castle because everyone saw that she has kick-ass powers. Everyone starts gasping and screaming and shit which doesn’t solve the problem that their monarch went walkies.
Anna goes and looks for Elsa and leaves the fuckboy Hans in charge of the kingdom. She meets some shithead called Kristoff who has no friends apart from a reindeer. She bugs him until he finally agrees to come along because otherwise she wouldn’t have fucked off. They do walking, the meet a few wolves, they meet that snowman Anna built ages ago called Olaf who is a total cunt nugget because he starts singing about all the crap he’ll do in summer but we all know his ass is gonna melt.
They eventually get to Elsa’s castle where Elsa tells Anna to fuck off again and sets this massive snow monster on her and Kristoff because they keep pissing her off. Elsa then freezes Anna’s heart by accident because Anna won’t fuck off. Eventually they all go oh shit she froze her heart so they fuck off to those annoying trolls who are apparently Kristoff and Sven’s adopted family.
Due to the excitement of Kristoff finally bringing a girl home the family try to marry them off because they’re stupid. Suddenly that egotistical old, wise troll appears and says “oh no her heart is frozen she’s fucked unless an act of that true love bullshit that every Disney film bangs on about”. So they basically go look for fuckboy Hans who’s at the castle.
While all this BS with the trolls is happening fuckboy Hans goes with his gang and jumps Elsa but she’s too kind to kill anyone and they wouldn’t fuck off so they kidnapped her.
Anyway they eventually reach the castle and as fuckboy Hans is about to kiss Anna for that true love bullshit. He basically says “LOL you gullible bitch, you fell for it”. Then he leaves her to dis and Olaf eventually decides Anna is worth melting for so he stays with her and puts her by the fire (awwwww so cute) and they eventually decide to go look for Kristoff who apparently is her true love. Elsa escapes from her prison cell and then she runs away. Eventually, Kristoff and Anna can’t do that and she sees fuckboy Hans about to kill Elsa and Anna freezes and some confusing stuff happens but long story short Anna and Elsa are the ones with that true love bullshit and Anna survives.
The kingdom stops being all Ice Ice baby and then it goes to summer. Olaf finally understands he’ll melt in summer before Elsa gives him his own snow cloud that follows him so he can be in summer. Then Elsa becomes queen and the castle gates stay open forever and they all live happily ever after and all that bleach worthy BS.
Anways that’s the end of my synopsis of Frozen. That was the longest post I’ve written in ages so I kinda have no clue what else to say. Anyway I’ll talk to you later.