Hello everyone and welcome to another post. Id like to start off by saying this stuff is based off of my experience only so there will be some shit I haven’t actually done and shit that you may have experienced so be nice please. I also haven’t done a post like this in a while so let’s have some fun.
Number One- Taking the register
I don’t think the children of my audience can relate to this, but back in the day before computers were as prominent as they are, we did our registers on paper which were later taken to the school office in order to be like recorded as to who is in school. However, because the teacher was always a lazy bitch they’d always make one of the children take the register to the office. This was literally like you’ve become the school’s equivalent of fucking Hermes, the messenger of the Gods… Except you kinda weren’t. Seriously though everyone would clamour for the opportunity to take the register and would shout over each other and shit. I mean, we even bragged about taking the register to our friends as it was the ultimate honour. Now that I look back on it, that was actually child slavery and if I could go back to primary school, my response to being asked to take the register to the office would be “do it yourself bitch”.
Number Two- The Universal Jam
Who remembers the song? “We are the children of *insert name of shithole* school.” Yeah, everyone thought their school was the only one that sung that. I mean, I went to three primary schools and I was shook when I found out that other schools sung that. I absolutely hated this song because I felt like I was being a snake and betraying my first primary school by saying I was a child of my second primary school.
Let’s not forget the fast bit at some stage in the song that if you could sing that part, you were literally thinking of yourself and the reincarnation of Eminem due to how fast you could sing that. Like those who knew that bit may as well should have won a fucking Grammy for it.
Number Three- The Morning Montone
At the beginning of each day we would greet our teachers, as you do. However, primary school took this to the next level. We’d always start the day with *insert monotone voice* “good morning *insert name of stupid bitch teacher* good morning everybody”.
Now that’s all well and good, greeting your teacher and everyone in the classroom is polite, it’s courteous…But please try not to sound as if you’re a herd of sheep who have been smoking weed. I mean we’d say it as if we were stoned and as if we were all robots who’d been under the school’s mind control.
Number Four- Rebels
This event took place at those shitty school discos that took place in primary school and all the time, there would be the SAME songs every time. But there was always one that the rebels always turned up for. This one was the Bob the Builder song. You’d always get that one rebel who was wild af (aka me) who said no he can’t instead of yes he can. I mean forget backtalk to the stupid teachers, or smoking weed in school; if you said no he can’t that was a sign that you will be forever evil. But seriously you’d say no he can’t and look around for people to admire the fact that you had the audacity to say Bob the Builder can’t fix it.
Number Five- Wet Paper Towel
I understand you teachers are very much qualified in first aid and you just want to help us. But you simply cannot tell someone that a wet paper towel solves everything. I fall over, put a wet paper towel on it, I break my leg, put a wet paper towel on it, I get stabbed, apply pressure to the wound to stop the bleeding then dress the wound…LOL you’re funny PUT A FUCKING WET PAPER TOWEL ON IT. You probably get it by now. At least we now know that all problems are solved by applying wet paper towels. We may as well put wet paper towels over the whole perimeter of the US at this rate.
Anyways that’s the end of my primary school musings and yeah I’m probably gonna do another one at some stage in my blogging life since many things happened in primary school. In the meantime stay fabulous and I’ll spam you guys later.