Right, I have some explaining to do. I’m sorry for the lack of posts because I haven’t been feeling at my best recently. I came from NCS on Friday and
it’s not a matter of being unable to post. What I’m about to tell you isn’t for attention or pity purposes but it’s just for the sake of the blog being a diary for me.
So a few days ago I self harmed for the first time. Yes, go ahead and judge me because I know it’s stupid. I haven’t pierced skin yet because people have been telling me not to do it and I also am pretty scared of it not gonna lie.
It feels like an addiction and as if my brain is constantly craving sharp objects. First of all I used a barbed wire fence to scratch words such as help me and other negative words on my arm and well as scratching a lot. Now I’ve started using a pair of scissors to do it. it’s harder to carve words onto my arm but I’m learning how to use it to inflict pain on myself.
Ever since the first time, I felt like a monster in the way that I don’t know what I’ve become. I remember looking at my arms, angry at myself for doing this because it felt like I made myself vulnerable to a demon entering me. Yes I know I’m exaggerating and I’m stupid. I keep looking to pick up sharp objects and my brain feels like it’s going onto autopilot and reaching for sharp objects.
I’ve started ignoring friend’s messages because I’ve been feeling too depressed to even answer to anyone. It’s nothing personal against them, it’s just that I’m scared to face them because of what I’ve done and I’m not in the mood for talking to them. This is probably gonna ruin a lot of relationships which is gonna suck but then again I deserve to be alone so it’s cool I guess. I can’t even go a day without trying to hurt myself in some way or another. I feel as if scratching isn’t proper self harm and it’s a wimpy version. I feel like if I want to self harm, then I have to cut which scares me. It makes me feel inadequate not being a true self harmer. I generally feel inadequate because I’ve been constantly burdening people with my problems and i can’t stop myself from turning to them. Maybe it’ll help if I suffered in silence.
Right I’m done and I repeat don’t feel sorry for me because this post is only for me to see and get thoughts out. So yeah bye.