What the Fuck is Going on

Right, I have some explaining to do. I’m sorry for the lack of posts because I haven’t been feeling at my best recently. I came from NCS on Friday and

so

it’s not a matter of being unable to post. What I’m about to tell you isn’t for attention or pity purposes but it’s just for the sake of the blog being a diary for me.

So a few days ago I self harmed for the first time. Yes, go ahead and judge me because I know it’s stupid. I haven’t pierced skin yet because people have been telling me not to do it and I also am pretty scared of it not gonna lie.

It feels like an addiction and as if my brain is constantly craving sharp objects. First of all I used a barbed wire fence to scratch words such as help me and other negative words on my arm and well as scratching a lot. Now I’ve started using a pair of scissors to do it. it’s harder to carve words onto my arm but I’m learning how to use it to inflict pain on myself.

Ever since the first time, I felt like a monster in the way that I don’t know what I’ve become. I remember looking at my arms, angry at myself for doing this because it felt like I made myself vulnerable to a demon entering me. Yes I know I’m exaggerating and I’m stupid. I keep looking to pick up sharp objects and my brain feels like it’s going onto autopilot and reaching for sharp objects.

I’ve started ignoring friend’s messages because I’ve been feeling too depressed to even answer to anyone. It’s nothing personal against them, it’s just that I’m scared to face them because of what I’ve done and I’m not in the mood for talking to them. This is probably gonna ruin a lot of relationships which is gonna suck but then again I deserve to be alone so it’s cool I guess. I can’t even go a day without trying to hurt myself in some way or another. I feel as if scratching isn’t proper self harm and it’s a wimpy version. I feel like if I want to self harm, then I have to cut which scares me. It makes me feel inadequate not being a true self harmer. I generally feel inadequate because I’ve been constantly burdening people with my problems and i can’t stop myself from turning to them. Maybe it’ll help if I suffered in silence.

Right I’m done and I repeat don’t feel sorry for me because this post is only for me to see and get thoughts out. So yeah bye.

Sav

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27 thoughts on “What the Fuck is Going on

  1. I agree with 50shad3s0fjay, no one deserves to be alone, I may not know you in person or as much here on wordpress, but the small chats we’ve had, you’re someone quite nice and kind. I’m also sure that your friends would support you through this.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that’s when you’ll realize who in your life are your real friends. We all have problems, some more than others, but good friends don’t let you drown in all of them, think about it. Trust me, I tell you from experience. 😊

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  2. Self harming is literally ANYTHING that harms you – you really, really don’t need to cut to be a ‘true’ self harmer. Believe me it doesn’t help, it only makes you feel worse and it hurts BAD – some of my friends have experienced it and yeah well…

    You don’t need to be alone, I’m sorry if this sounded all counseller-y but people really care about you, and it won’t hurt to reach out to them if you really need to.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Damn, you must be feeling really down, I’m sorry I don’t really know what to say to make it better – if you ever want to talk about anything like this just say though.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. people do care about you and like everyone else has said, you don’t have to be alone nor should you. you might feel like you’re a burden to them but they do care and they’ll be willing to help if you ask, so if you want/need to talk to someone then go for it. and of course we are always here too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your friends would never abandon you if they were your friends, you might be scared that if you talk to them they will leave but not talking to them will be even worse

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t pretend to you that everything will be alright because right now, that will sound patronising. But we’re here to support you, through whatever and even if you don’t reply, we KNOW it’s not because you hate us. We are here and we WILL listen, because you’ve always helped and given me the best advice you could ever give. We won’t give up on you. Self-harm isn’t healthy, but again, for you now it’s something you can’t stop yourself from doing. I understand that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. when you’re feeling okay to talk, i’ll be right where you left me, okay? i know what you’re going through on the ignoring people side so i swear to you that even if everyone else leaves you i will always be here to talk and send you videos of my doggo. i can’t say i agree with your self harm but i live thousands of miles away and i can’t stop you so all i have to say about it is just to know that you are loved and don’t ever forget it. okay? good. let me know when you want to talk, and i’ll be there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shit that meant so much to me. I’ve been ignoring comments all day and avoiding replying but this one really made me want to reply. I actually feel there’s hope for once

      Liked by 1 person

      1. that makes me feel immensely happy for you. i love talking to you so don’t ever hesitate to shoot me a message and tell me what’s going on ❤️ i know sometimes when i was in the same position last year, i wouldn’t text friends because i felt like a burden so just know that if that’s how you feel, true friends don’t think that way and i had a few friends remind me of that and tell me they loved me no matter what and i think you should know that’s how i’ll be for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. i have a disorder called dermatillomania which basically means i pick on my skin and cannot stop. last night i had an episode of skin picking and i felt like i failed. it’s kind of like self harm so i know what you feel. we have to stay strong and fight it. im sending you positive energy even though at the moment im lacking it myself ❤ /KM

    Like

  8. Hey Sav. I’m currently still in India. Many negative and positive things happened here too. Seriously don’t think you push people away. True friends will always be there. No matter what happens. I haven’t been able to get access to the Internet but making an exception for this. May get in trouble because some thing my brother did ,I’ve been banned from social media and maybe no blog. Parents….anyways yea. Keep in touch. And don’t Harm yourself. Seriously please! FOR YOUR FRIENDS DONT. THINK ABOUT THE WHEN YOU Get sad.

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  9. Hi,
    As I was reading through your post I couldn’t help but relate you I mean I was 13 when I first ever done it just like you I was petrified of actually fully cutting myself deep enough to make a mark I used to use a hair grip and do little scratches I couldn’t control it just like you but from my experience I’m giving you one bit of advice is try and get the help now before its to late where your actually going deep enough to do the damage that’s where I went wrong that fear will eventually wear of and before you know it your covered on scares and hate yourself more and more I hope you can get yourself sorted before it gets any worse just remember them people care about you and are the ones that are going to help you through your difficult time right now I know it’s hard but try not to lock them out

    Like

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