Hey everyone and welcome to a post that I’ve been dying to make. I’ve been in a bad place recently as I’ve probably mentioned and I’ve been needing my friends more than ever. I’ve been struggling with myself as a person and my mental health has been a pain in the ass. Last night however I woke up in the middle of the night and I was alone in my negative thoughts and I felt alone and sad and I wanted to end myself. You may think that I’m exaggerating, being crazy and that you don’t care about my health but I do and I started this blog to be my therapy so if you don’t like it then roll the fuck out.
However this morning I realised that my friends love me unconditionally and that I don’t need to change my personality for them. Sure there are parts of me I’d like to change for example my impulsive lying habit. This is basically me lying for absolutely no reason because I’ve grown up terrified of telling the truth because parents get angry when I do bad things so when I admit them they get angry so therefore I feel the need to hide everything and when someone asks me the simplest question, I can’t help but lie sometimes because of the pressure. Now I hate this because I understand it makes me lose credibility as a person because it makes people lose trust in me and I want to trust and be trusted and I know how it feels not to trust someone. Despite all this, my friend’s still see the good in me and they love me for who I am which I’m grateful for. It begs the question what did I do to deserve such great friends that actually love me and put up with every part of me.
I also have so many walls of trust in friendships. It starts with my trust and commitment issues because when I realise I’m getting close to someone, I begin to push them away because I feel dependant on them and I want to spare myself of the heartbreak of them leaving and growing sick of me which leads me onto my other point.
I have really bad abandonment issues because of all the people that have hurt me in the past. Before, I’ve been shut out without explanation by the people I thought were closest to me so now I sort of try not to let it happen again. The abandonment walls always come up when they’ve gotten past the commitment stage. I live in fear of my friends replacing me and the second they show someone else what I consider a sign of “more love”, the fear intensifies and I feel like I’m gonna be replaced, this leads me to do anything to get said friend’s attention back onto me and I would seriously do anything to not be replaced my issues are that bad. Obviously some kind of fear is good but when it’s to the stage that it affects you every day and every interaction, then it’s destructive.
But my friends still see past that.
My friends, especially the ones who I’ve met through blogging you know who you are, are literally the best people to have ever happened to me and I just want to hug all of them because they stand with me in everything I do even when I don’t deserve their support. They tell me constantly how good a person I am and what big a heart I have and what I feel for them goes past a thanks that means a lot. There’s so much love in my heart for them but so little ways to show it. They’re literally the most supportive, patient people in the world. One of my friends said and I quote after I thanked them for saving my life all these times and they go onto saying “I’ll do it as many times as it is necessary” or something along those lines. The problem is that I know their intentions and the friendships are real but my problem is always how long will it last for? Whenever I’m really happy and proud of myself, I bring myself back down all the time with thinking about how long my happiness will last for and what bad thing will happen to make me break down again.
You guys remember Freida right? From my love life post? (If you can’t be bothered to go and read that post than long story short, she’s someone I have a crush on but I got rejected by her) has recently started sending me messages on topics she’s never asked me about. I won’t reveal what she said because they’re her insecurities and it’s not my place to tell you guys but I’ve agreed to meet her at some point this summer and I’m gonna open up to her like fully about my health and the extent of everything. She told me upon rejection that I was one of her best friends and I’m gonna talk to her to establish a trust. It’s gonna be hard to but if it does go wrong then sure I’ll be hurt but maybe there’s a chance it’ll go right and that’ll build more trust and make her feel like a closer friend maybe.
So yeah that’s the end of today’s post. Tell me if you think less of me from hearing about my issues btw. Umm I’ve ran out of things to say so Ima just say goodbye.