Mental Health

Whaddup Lions and welcome to a post that’s rather difficult to make for me. Mental health is a sensitive topic to me as I suffer from quite a few issues which i will elaborate on in this post. So you can truly know me better as a person and the extent of what kind of broken, ruined piece I am.

So I made a post on my full depression story which can be found HERE. I’m gonna give a quick update on that story even though I can’t remember where I left off. So for months I had been in a good place. I hadn’t been suicidal, I had positive thinking patterns and having a bad day or a bad few seconds didn’t ruin my day. I became a positive person on the whole. Now however it’s different because I’ve been feeling depressed these past few days. I’ve not had much human contact, I’ve been stuck in my room inactive and it’s been really affecting me. My mood is really inconsistent: one second I’ll be happy and the next I’ll be sad and it all stems from feeling like I’m missing out on things. When I hear of people doing things and being around people I feel sick inside because it makes me doubt myself as a person. I thought I was over my depression but it seems I’m not and I don’t think I’ll ever be like fully functional again.

Now onto anxiety. The ugly stepsister of depression. You see I’ve been controlling my anxiety really well these past couple of months. I was proud of myself not a full on panic attack in a very long time. Guess what that changed a couple days ago when I had a panic attack over thinking about a concert and I nearly had another one because I thought I was being replaced by my friends. Do you see how unimportant and trivial these things are?? (Those two words mean the same thing but I don’t care). I can’t even pass a person in the street without tensing up so I don’t go outside. I can’t even walk past alcohol in a store without the smallest anxiety. WHY? WHAT AM I?!?!?!! What have I become? There was a time where I was proud of myself but that feels so long ago now. I used to see strength but now all I see is weakness and a shadow of myself. Are my best days really behind me at this age?

Now onto something else. My pain addiction: this is gonna sound so nuts to you but I have an addiction to pain. Yes judge me, hate me and even ridicule me but it’s real. I’m ready for anything bad you may come up with. This addiction is basically this voice in my head that makes me go back to the things that hurt me. For example if I read a post that upsets me then the voice will tell me to go back and read that post again. In other cases if I feel like I’m being replaced again I will go look at the so called evidence that makes me think I’m being replaced. There’s also fall outs with friends, I will go right back to the messages or think of the conversation when I lost the person all to feed my addiction to pain. This addiction went while I was in a good place but it’s back again, it’s like there’s a demon in my head compelling me to look for pain and to hurt myself physically and mentally.

An example of physical pain addiction is for example when I nearly hurt myself so for example nearly cheese grater my hand by accident. The demon says go do it for real now and I find it hard to say no. Like it seriously takes all my strength to stop me from intentionally injuring myself. Normally when I’m in a bad place I naturally lose my safety instincts. What I mean is I don’t actively look to hurt myself but I don’t take care of myself by taking safety precautions. Yeah I’m crazy deal with it but I said this post is gonna be about my mental health. I even feel myself losing reason as I write.

Finally there’s my lack of sleep these days. I cannot sleep until I physically exhaust my brain to the extent of falling asleep. You’re probably thinking I wake up later, but I don’t I friggin wake up early at like 5am. Then I’m awake and I lie in bed waiting for an appropriate time to get up so nobody suspects that I have a problem. Then I’m literally drained throughout the day and it ruins me completely. In fact I’m already ruined there’s no person in this body. All I feel is this force of nature controlling me.

Okay I’m gonna finish up now as I’m probably annoying you with how much I’m complaining about my life which could be worse. It’s just that I was going so well that I even changed my name to Sav the Lion because I wasn’t feeling lonely anymore. now I feel as if I’ve betrayed myself by doing bad stuff again. Please just tell me I’m not crazy because I’m made to feel like that every day and I just want to be a human for once. Anyway I’m finished. Goodbye

Sav the Lion
CONTACT ME |FAQ

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46 thoughts on “Mental Health

  1. You are not crazy ☺ my friend suffers from anxiety a and depression and she always feels like this 😦 if you haven’t told anyone i suggest you tell someone , anxiety is really tough but it can and will get better πŸ˜‡ if you ever feel sad just think about all the amazing things things you have done like start and make a successful blog πŸ™ˆ I’m sorry I’m not really good on giving advice on stuff like this since i have never experienced this 😭

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve went to therapy for it and I still have these episodes from time to time. I have told someone and gone through the emotional strain of it I can’t do it again I’m not strong enough

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey! I know you’re going through a bad time right now but just remember, you’ve come so far and achieved so much. If you could get to a good place once before, you can get there again! So hold onto that hope. I know going out makes you feel anxious but maybe try going for a 5 minute walk every other day or something, nothing too much but taking steps to get better! Going outside always makes me feel better so it might help you too πŸ™‚ I hope you’re okay, always here if you want to talk!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for that it really means a lot. These days I’ve not had the desire to even shower which always makes stuff better. And it means a lot that you’re willing to let me talk to you if I feel upset you really just made my day a whole lot better ❀

        Like

  2. You’re you. You’re human and you’re flawed and you’re NOT crazy, because all of this is in a way logical: in the sense that it stems from anxiety and depression. Look, you are so damn brave for posting about this. You may have lost reason. whilst writing, but it’s a good thing to get your thoughts out.
    The addiction to pain is NEVER something we’d hate you for! It’s just how things are; it’s how you work, and you can’t change that. No one’s judging you or thinking you’re insane.
    Also, I’m here. We’re here. In the blogosphere, you’re not alone, because you have us.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That seriously means a lot your comment on my depression story made me cry at how I’ve made a friend like you. Thank you for making my day. πŸ’–πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  3. in general ; I’m bad at advice, not to mention you completely fooled me with all the past posts! a few of them you were acting happy and joking around, till I saw this post, life can be mean, and a lot

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I can’t control what life throws at me but I can control my response to hardships. Obviously I’m not the funniest guy in the world but I try to act happy to mask my sadness a lot. Sometimes the negativity just becomes too much

      Liked by 1 person

      1. probably good advice oR PROBABLY NOT IDK : masking your sadness and bottling up your feelings are the reason why you become an emotional wreck, feel like shit, and do nothing and feel overwhelmed :’) please don’t do it, a lot of people suffered a lot from bottling their sadness ;;

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You are not crazy. None of this is crazy. It’s just a response, a way to deal with all the shit in the world. I just want you to know you can talk to me whenever you want about whatever you want from depression (I can relate) to stupid silly things. Cause like many before me have said: you are not alone. Btw, my mail is ruthdm83@hotmail.com.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for allowing me to have this option you have no clue how much this actually means to me. You’re a great suspected sister ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi,
    I met you in the Community Pool. where you indicated you wanted to be a better blogger. I help bloggers at my site. Tips for engaging readers, improving content, and increasing traffic are waiting for you. I brought you the link to my About page, so you can read more about my blog
    http://mostlyblogging.com/about/
    I also offer ten networking events per month and free incentives for subscribing.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Sav the Lion,
        I am sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I am on a cruise ship on vacation with sporadic Internet.
        Networking events: I host 8 linky parties a month and 2 Meet and Greets. All 10 can help you meet potential new subscribers.
        Incentives: I have a StumbleUpon group designed to get my subscribers traffic, a Community Pinterest Board, a Bloggers’ Collaboration Group, and a Link Exchange. All these will increase your blog traffic.
        Janice

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Firstly, don’t worry about it. Secondly I get you now thanks so much for commenting and helping me through blogging since I’m really learning as I go along. Ive looked at your blog where you put tips up and I enjoy reading very much.
        Sav the Lion

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Sav the Lion, thank you for sharing your story! It takes courage to open up about a topic that needs and should be discussed in public more often. I believe self-care is so important, and that is one of the many reasons I started blogging. Thanks again for sharing this, much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I mean I use this blog as a therapy centre because I get very little support at home from parents. I’m glad you liked this

      Like

  7. You have a lot of courage to post this. You’ve shown me how strong you are and how it is possible to turn life around slowly as you travel along a bumpy bumpy road. I hope you’re smiling today, and if you’re ever having a down day, remember how many people you inspire, and how amazing you are.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It should be. I wish more parents, friends, teachers would approach it more openly. People’s life may be falling apart but some people just shrug it off as oh it’s probably just a bad day for them or they’ll be fine and it’s frustrating when that happens. Mental health can be overwhelmingly powerful at times and no one should be left to fend alone. Movies and books don’t exactly help when they romantise it

        Like

  8. You are doing a wonderful and brave thing, that doesn’t make you crazy! I’ve only just started my blog and wanted to read some honest work that could inspire me and you’ve done that so thank you. No emotions are crazy or stupid and the biggest step is to be open about them and share. I hope you’ve had a wonderful day or even 5 minutes as everyone deserves to find that and by you raising awareness I think you’ll help more people than you know x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sav, you most certainly aren’t crazy. We all have our bad days and for some it’s a little harder to get out of them and see the positive. It’s hard and it takes time, but you will get there. You have done it before and with a little support I’m sure you will start to see the light again. It might feel like everyone has these big amazing lives, but remember many only let you see the good and not the bad. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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