Whaddup Lions and welcome to a post that’s rather difficult to make for me. Mental health is a sensitive topic to me as I suffer from quite a few issues which i will elaborate on in this post. So you can truly know me better as a person and the extent of what kind of broken, ruined piece I am.
So I made a post on my full depression story which can be found HERE. I’m gonna give a quick update on that story even though I can’t remember where I left off. So for months I had been in a good place. I hadn’t been suicidal, I had positive thinking patterns and having a bad day or a bad few seconds didn’t ruin my day. I became a positive person on the whole. Now however it’s different because I’ve been feeling depressed these past few days. I’ve not had much human contact, I’ve been stuck in my room inactive and it’s been really affecting me. My mood is really inconsistent: one second I’ll be happy and the next I’ll be sad and it all stems from feeling like I’m missing out on things. When I hear of people doing things and being around people I feel sick inside because it makes me doubt myself as a person. I thought I was over my depression but it seems I’m not and I don’t think I’ll ever be like fully functional again.
Now onto anxiety. The ugly stepsister of depression. You see I’ve been controlling my anxiety really well these past couple of months. I was proud of myself not a full on panic attack in a very long time. Guess what that changed a couple days ago when I had a panic attack over thinking about a concert and I nearly had another one because I thought I was being replaced by my friends. Do you see how unimportant and trivial these things are?? (Those two words mean the same thing but I don’t care). I can’t even pass a person in the street without tensing up so I don’t go outside. I can’t even walk past alcohol in a store without the smallest anxiety. WHY? WHAT AM I?!?!?!! What have I become? There was a time where I was proud of myself but that feels so long ago now. I used to see strength but now all I see is weakness and a shadow of myself. Are my best days really behind me at this age?
Now onto something else. My pain addiction: this is gonna sound so nuts to you but I have an addiction to pain. Yes judge me, hate me and even ridicule me but it’s real. I’m ready for anything bad you may come up with. This addiction is basically this voice in my head that makes me go back to the things that hurt me. For example if I read a post that upsets me then the voice will tell me to go back and read that post again. In other cases if I feel like I’m being replaced again I will go look at the so called evidence that makes me think I’m being replaced. There’s also fall outs with friends, I will go right back to the messages or think of the conversation when I lost the person all to feed my addiction to pain. This addiction went while I was in a good place but it’s back again, it’s like there’s a demon in my head compelling me to look for pain and to hurt myself physically and mentally.
An example of physical pain addiction is for example when I nearly hurt myself so for example nearly cheese grater my hand by accident. The demon says go do it for real now and I find it hard to say no. Like it seriously takes all my strength to stop me from intentionally injuring myself. Normally when I’m in a bad place I naturally lose my safety instincts. What I mean is I don’t actively look to hurt myself but I don’t take care of myself by taking safety precautions. Yeah I’m crazy deal with it but I said this post is gonna be about my mental health. I even feel myself losing reason as I write.
Finally there’s my lack of sleep these days. I cannot sleep until I physically exhaust my brain to the extent of falling asleep. You’re probably thinking I wake up later, but I don’t I friggin wake up early at like 5am. Then I’m awake and I lie in bed waiting for an appropriate time to get up so nobody suspects that I have a problem. Then I’m literally drained throughout the day and it ruins me completely. In fact I’m already ruined there’s no person in this body. All I feel is this force of nature controlling me.
Okay I’m gonna finish up now as I’m probably annoying you with how much I’m complaining about my life which could be worse. It’s just that I was going so well that I even changed my name to Sav the Lion because I wasn’t feeling lonely anymore. now I feel as if I’ve betrayed myself by doing bad stuff again. Please just tell me I’m not crazy because I’m made to feel like that every day and I just want to be a human for once. Anyway I’m finished. Goodbye