This post is gonna be really hard to make and it’s gonna be really long because I’m gonna tell you each and every detail so prepare for lots of reading. I waited until it was the night so that I wouldn’t be as guarded about what I’d tell you. I’m not gonna make any jokes the title is what this post is gonna be about because I’ve always said I’ll talk about this later but I just want to take each and every day as it comes and live in the present. So here goes nothing.
It all kicked off at around November/December 2014 and that was the day I had my first major panic attack I walked into a room and I felt everyone watching me and I lost it. I couldn’t breathe at all I felt like my throat was closing up and as soon as I could get out of there I hid in the school bathroom, door locked until I had to go to class again. After that day I looked up anxiety symptoms and signs of a panic attack and I was showing all of those things. I got worried and I began to slowly lose trust in my ability to stay stable and not have a panic attack. The anxiety only grew worse and worse until I built up the courage to tell my parents in about January/February of 2015 because it began to get out of control and then my mum booked me a doctor’s appointment.
On the 10th March I finally went to that doctors appointment and told the doctor that I was feeling lonely and by that time my mood began to slowly suffer as well so I told the doctor that and I got told to get counselling. I got given a leaflet and I hid it from my parents and put it in a notebook that I kept in my school bag. One day when I was falling apart I remember I was falling apart so I rang the number on the counselling leaflet and it was a random person’s home number and I got scared and I never bothered with counselling again. During this time my mood was very hit and miss. Some days I’d be depressed and unable to think rationally on other days I’d be okay. Until during May 2015 I did my first active suicide attempt. I’d written a note which I still have here. (It has my real name on it so I scribbled it out).
I remember I had pills and I wanted to do it so badly even though I was reluctant to. I sent pictures of the note to a few people I knew and some automatically said no don’t do it and talked me out of it I remember two people really convinced me to stop because one reminded me of my friendships that I had at the time and the other stayed up and wouldn’t go to sleep unless I promised to not take the pills by then I was convinced that it wasn’t the answer.
Then as summer started in June and I noticed that my mood was going down, my anxiety was seriously bad and the school noticed a change in me and they referred me to in school counselling. I thought it would have been a great idea because I would finally have someone to talk to about my problems. I began to stop taking care of myself. I didn’t cut myself at all, I just began to not keep myself safe like crossing the road without properly looking and listening, there were temptations to touch hot saucepans and also take no care while chopping vegetables. There was no active hope to hurt myself just not being careful.
Then at around the 13th July I noticed everything came crashing down and I became suicidal again and the dark thoughts were really strong and I felt like pure s*** (sorry for my language). I knew something was clearly wrong with me and I was moody around the house until I blurted out that I was in counselling, I’m so dumb I really shouldn’t have done it but anyway on with the story. A few days later on the 16th of July 2015 I had my next counselling session and I said that I was having these thoughts of not actively killing myself but not being careful about my life. My counselor then leaked the information, my mother was called into school, I had my worst panic attack yet and the school sent me for a full mental health check. From about 3:30pm to 10:30pm I was in the hospital getting checks and on that day I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression…
After that day I felt at peace because I felt like I had confirmation over what was wrong with me. The Sunday of that week I went travelling around Europe and I still had times in the day where I felt horrible and that I wasn’t enough. That trip was eventful because I had a panic attack in Switzerland and I cried myself to sleep for the first time in Rome, which wasn’t pretty. I spent that summer having regular sessions with the mental health services. Basically more serious counselling. And I loved it there because I wasn’t treated like I was unstable I just got to talk and make the lady laugh and it was amazing. My last session is soon so I’ll have to stop which sucks. I always searched for inspiration during this time.
During this time I was still having dark, suicidal thoughts and that wasn’t helped my mood, which went from horrible to rock bottom. I didn’t want to get better at all I was happy that I would lose my more sensitive personality that I’m learning to love until one day something flipped…
I began to tell myself that I deserve better than this but I still didn’t want to change. Ever since that something flipped for every few days of no suicidal thoughts and relatively ok mood. There would be a few weeks to couple months worth of depression time. These few ok days however do keep me going and they do give me hope of everything being okay eventually and my good days are seriously fuelled by whenever you guys show the blog love and leave nice comments so keep them coming. I promise you I am recovering it’s not easy at all but trust me you gotta believe that you are amazing, loved and beautiful. Here’s a secret between me and you: You is sexy and you are really turning me on right now cos you so fine.
That’s the end of my depression story and I hope you found it useful or inspiring. I pray to God that the person reading this never goes through anxiety and depression on their own let alone both combined into a steaming pile crap. If you ever want to talk to me privately let me know in the comments and I’ll be happy to talk to any of you guys. As always feel free to like, comment, follow and spread the love.
Until next time,
The Lonely Lion