Can you see me?

You loved me.                                                                                                                                                  you always supported me in anything i did, even when it was unnecessary to do so, but you left me on this earth to fend for myself. As an 11 year old still finding his way                            Here I am on the Valentine’s day nearest to my 16th birthday, writing this poem for you.            I have always tried to seek love from the outside, a real girlfriend that I can touch, kiss and shower them in my love.                                                                                                                                 but that was all a fantasy                                                                                                                           Not with this total loss of confidence that has burdened me since your dreadful death.

Ever since you’ve died I felt like my happiness went to its grave with you                                         of course I don’t blame you at all,                                                                                                                 Dementia, Parkinson’s and cancer were only three of the things that took you away from me                                                                                                                                                                              I spent the majority of my life being in the dark about your illnesses, the burdens you had to go through every single day but                                                                                                              I had always been that hyperactive child who hadn’t developed the heart to treat you better and that makes me think that maybe                                                                                            I caused your death.                                                                                                                                                And that is something that makes me unable to live with myself

I still remember the night you died although it was almost 5 years ago and the 7th October every year. Is the day that I cry and relive everything again.                                                                  I still remember all those relatives in the room gathered around you on your deathbed and I was told to go upstairs with my sister.                                                                                                            Suddenly I heard crying coming from downstairs and deep down I knew that you’d died but I didn’t want to believe that, in the smallest hope I had I slowly crept downstairs the sound of weeping growing stronger and stronger                                                                                                  I heard somebody say the words “she’s gone” my faith began to decrease more and more by the second.                                                                                                                                                     I went to see my dad and I saw him cry for the first time and then I let it out                                     you were dead…                                                                                                                                                 When I saw your lifeless body  in front of me it was fairly brief but it felt like an age staring at the loss of colour in your skin and your eyes closed.                                                                         I still cry thinking about it…

The days after your death were some of the worst I’d ever experienced before in my previous years of being alive.                                                                                                                           I remember going into school, crying all day and everyone asking me what was wrong           I was only a kid who started big school a month ago. I didn’t need this at all                                     I remember I always felt sick to the stomach and I wouldn’t eat a thing                                       I grew tired of people saying it was her time and that I shouldn’t let it take over my life              everyone stopped crying about a month after                                                                                       but I cried and suffered in silence and it took me about three months to not burst into tears just thinking about it                                                                                                                             Now it takes thinking about the details to make me cry about it…

I hope that you can see me from heaven.                                                                                                        smiling down at me from above with God by your side                                                                               you did a lot for me, asking whether I needed anything or even caring for me during my unimportant colds and coughs,                                                                                                                when you had to deal with your deadly illnesses.

the end

Happy Valentine’s day Lions and I hope you have or are having an amazing day today. This was another attempt at poetry and this one took a lot of heart and tears to write so I’d appreciate if you show this post some love. I’m still planning on doing a Q&A post because you deserve to know more about me and I don’t feel like you know me well enough. Feel free to like,comment, follow and spread the love.

until next time,                                                                                                                                                         The Lonely Lion



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